Sunday, February 5, 2012

I'll be there...

      It has been a bit rough in the Kitchen for the last few of weeks. I spent Friday attending a funeral. The gentleman would have been my father in law if I were in fact married. There have been hospital visits, some hard decisions for the family and then waiting for "the call". It's been pretty sombre around here.

     Of course, the passing of a loved one is on my mind. It's not something we are very comfortable talking about but I wanted to get a few things out, some questions, some musings.

     Why do we find it so hard to express sorrow or grief? This one was no different from any other funeral I have ever attended. People really hate to cry, like it is some sort of weakness. I'm not a "good" cryer. I'm the loud sobbing, can't breathe, messy sort.

     As I was offering up a shoulder, or giving a much needed hug for comfort, I kept being struck by that vaguely embarrassed look we all get. You know the one I mean, that "sorry you had to see me like this" one. I've worn it myself. There is nothing wrong with an expression of grief. I kept thinking of that old saying "a burden shared is a burden eased".

     It really was a lovely service. Not because of the church or the funeral home, but because of the man who's passing we were there to honour. His grand children's names were written on ribbons, a grand daughter sang Hallelujah, there were a few tears in my eyes after that, and the service was packed with people.

     Why were they there? Because he was a good guy. Devoted to his wife and family, loved to sing and dance, respected and liked by co workers and employees. He loved his life and that touched every one around him.

     We talk of legacies or achievements, building an empire, winning that coveted prize, having that fortune or house on the hill. In the end, that room full of people were there because he was a loving man, not because of fame or fortune. I can't think of anything better than to be remembered for a life well lived.

     I never had a chance to get to know him. My part in all of this has been support. That's hard too. I'm going to make a very broad stereotype here, guys are not always great with this. I have no idea why but women seem better able to just be there, rather than having a task.

     Although I consider myself to be a good listener, when this all started I completely missed the mark. When we talked about him being in the hospital, I immediately switched into problem solving mode. That is normally my role, gather the information, plan how to move forward.

    Details were sketchy and often contradictory and I found myself getting a little frustrated. How was a decision to be made? So I kept asking questions, until I realized, I wasn't helping at all. I was making a bad situation worse. This was not a problem solving time, this was a listen, nod and just be there when you're ready to talk time. I wasn't making any of these decisions, I didn't need to know and I was pushing for something that wasn't ready to be thought about let alone discussed. I even stopped the constant, "Are you okay ?", "How are you feeling?" Why is it so hard to just be there?

     We all cope in out own way, on our own terms and in our own time. When you're ready, if you need me, when you need me, I'll be there.

8 comments:

  1. We've had our share of grief in the last year (and um, decade) too, and I co,pletely understand everything you've said. Your support was, I'm sure, very much appreciated.

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    1. Thanks Greta. It was the first time I didn't know the person well and I was just there for suppport. Really hard, not knowing what to say, what to do and even in a large part who these people were.

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  2. I have had more than my share of losses, so I have a lot of experience at grieving but little at consoling. From my perspective, "being there" means listening and providing physical comfort ie. hugs, tissues, cups of hot tea, making them a sandwich, etc. I'm sure your care and concern are greatly appreciated.

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    1. That's the difference. I've had some experience greiving but not consoling. I really felt kind of useless. I was there passing out the hugs and tissues though. Loss is never easy.

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  3. Awww, I'm sorry for your loss/your family's loss. It's never easy.

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    1. It is never easy even when it is an end to suffereing. He was 90 and had been quite ill. All hard to see. He is finally at peace and with his beloved wife so there is some comfort in that.

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  4. When you love someone and they know it, being there for them is all they need. Details really don't matter I think. Sorry for your loss Paul.

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    1. Thanks Stasha It took some time for me to figure that out. Man I felt bad when I finally realized I wasn't "helping". The details really don't matter.

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Thanks for your comment, I hope you enjoyed your time in the "Kitchen".