Empty Words

     I like words.

      We're hard wired to use our words to label things, to compartmentalize, organize them. It's part of how we distinguish friend from foe, recognize danger and know when to kick into " fight or flight" mode. We can't help ourselves.

     In my role as a caregiver, I'm very careful. No empty promises, no pleasant platitudes, no,"Everything will be okay". I've become very conscious of the words I use. It can get tricky, a little like navigating a verbal mine field. I've also become more aware of the words of others.

     I am an informal, same-sex, interracial, spousal caregiver: providing care to a person with a terminal, degenerative, neuromuscular disease. These are currently MY words.

     That doesn't sound so, so bad. Informal. I can wear jeans?

    I'm an unpaid, untrained, Caucasian guy trying to take care of my male Pinoy partner. He's dying. His disease will shut down his body, bit by bit, until it kills him.

     That doesn't have quite the same polish now does it? Strange how different informal reads as opposed to unpaid and untrained, terminal versus dying. It's less tidy, less palatable.

     But it's the same thing.

     We use our words to dress things up. Avoid things. Sterilize situations with clinical descriptions. Throw enough adjectives into the mix and things don't sound so bad. Get out the thesaurus. He's not dying, he's terminal, needs hospice, palliative care. It's easy to gloss over things we don't want to acknowledge. To be less Jen-uine.

     I've spent a lot of time online looking for peer support. I can cry and type, I can't cry and talk. And I can do it at 2 in the morning when I can't sleep.

     In my searches, I kept coming across things like,  "it was my honour", "it was my privilege". "Fighting the good fight". "Extreme caregiver". " If you love them enough".

     I couldn't relate to what I was reading. At first I thought there must be something wrong with me, with our situation. I stayed very quiet because any comments to the contrary got trounced.

     Eventually I did find a forum dedicated to ALS, their CALS (caregivers) and PALS (people with), It was such a relief. Finally a group of people who I understood, who supported me and were supported by me in return. No grand statements, no judgement, no playing to the masses. Just help.

     Friends and family say things like, "he's lucky to have you", " I'm glad he has you", "I don't know how you do it". I've been called extraordinary and special. A generous spirit. My mom keeps telling me how proud her and my father are of  me.Then of course there is my personal WTF did you just say to me, " you don't know/understand how hard it is for me to see him like this".

     Here is my truth.

     Being a caregiver ranks as one of the worst experiences I've ever had.  Intense stress and pressure. Draining physically, mentally and financially. A road filled with more sorrow and heartbreak than I could have ever thought possible.  I can't imagine ever looking back fondly on this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

     I don't feel honoured or privileged to be his caregiver. I didn't get picked because of my awesome skills, He didn't have a choice, I was all he had. He's stuck with me, like it or not.

     We're not fighting anything. It's not a battleground or a contest. There is no winning or losing. There is only trying to live each day as best we can.

     There is no extreme caregiver. It's not a sport. You don't get a medal or a trophy. There is no independent review by your peers to establish a rank. You either are one or you're not.

     "If you love them enough". "If " statements are absolute rubbish. I'd liken it to telling an expectant mother if she loves her child enough, labour won't hurt. It's a bit silly really, but people feel obliged to trot them out anytime things are difficult.

     Loving is the easy part. It's why I'm here. It's what gets me out of bed when I'm so tired I can barely think. It's why I'm by his side for as long as he'll have me. It's why I willingly accepted this burden and it is a heavy load to bear. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. No questions asked. No need to quantify my feelings, they're enough.

     Unfortunately, love doesn't pay the bills, add extra hours to the day or make me two people.  Telling me if I love my partner enough that everything will be okay is useless. It's a trite, empty platitude. ALS doesn't care how I feel about my partner, nor does the bank or my employer.

     Whenever I hear,"he's lucky to have you" . " I'm glad he has you" or "I don't know how you do it", I often think to myself, I bet you are/don't. Not to worry, I've got this. Go back to being just as supportive as you've been these last few years.  See, not so special, or extraordinary or so generous. Just me.

     As for my mom, she makes me laugh. I'm not sure what she's so proud of. They taught me to take care of the people in your life, They led by example so I blame them. It's their fault for making me this way. I'm still not making my bed though, there are limits.

    I think the next time someone says," you don't know/understand how hard it is for me to see him like this" I'm just going to stare at them, blinking. Give them some time to digest what they've just said to me. Trust me, I understand.

     How about we stop trying to shove this pig into a silk dress? No matter how you dress it up, it's still a pig. Bad things happen. Death and dying are an inevitable part of life.

     Embrace and accept the bad. Welcome it in and sit it at your table. When it's time, send it on it's way. It's okay to be sad, to cry, to mourn, to feel overwhelmed. Happy isn't our only state of being.

     Denying or avoiding the unpleasant parts of life and let's face it, my current situation is no one's idea of a good time, means you ultimately miss out on some of it's joys. Yes, we have had moments of joy on this road. Lots of them. Made all the more precious because of the situation that surrounds them. I will be present for those.

     When you see me, let's just skip the pleasantries, those empty words. Don't ask how we're doing unless you really want to know. Tell me a joke, make me laugh, be the arms that hold me for a second, be the shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen if I need to talk. Some times the best use of our words is to let them remain unsaid.

An Unexpected Gift

     Another holiday season has drawn to a close and the new year stretches out ahead of us. I always enjoy the holidays. Any excuse to celebrate really.

     I had a beautiful tree, made my grandmother's mince meat, had not 1 but 2 Pinterest successes, made gingerbread houses, made hot pepper jelly, ruined gingerbread houses making hot pepper jelly, pepper gassed the house making hot pepper jelly, again.

    My cousin from Halifax stopped by with girlfriend in tow, I made them wild blackberry pie, drank beer, burned dinner, drank more beer, laughed a lot. Had pie for breakfast.

    My mom and aunt came up, cooked up a storm, got in a car accident, had dinner (I didn't make them pie, I made fajitas), had Chinese take out for Christmas Eve, my aunt and uncle came by for Christmas dinner, Mom made my bed, lots more laughs, my aunt started calling my mom Crash (it's never too soon), lots of gifts and treats from the family, in addition to treats one of my aunts sent up a box of my grandparents photos, can't wait to get into those.

     All in all a rollicking, good time.

The tree, so shiny
So very, very tall

What just happened?

Pinterest 1 and 2

Meringue Christmas trees

Lemon Sugar cookies

recipes forthcoming

Treats, boxes and boxes of treats

Treasure, my precious

      It wasn't all fun and games, I also had the chance to see and participate in some truly generous moments.

    My cousin drove 4 hours out of her way to be able to surprise my partner with a visit that lasted about an hour. He adores her, They laughed and joked like they'd seen each other yesterday. I'm not sure she will ever be able to appreciate how much that brief visit meant to the both of us or how amazing it was to see them being with him, talking with him all on his terms. No talking over him because it's so hard for him to communicate, no bitching we drove all this way stay up a little longer. Just being present.

     My father had my mother send flowers not just to my partner but to the two women who share his dining room table as well. Just a small thank you for being so nice to him.

     My aunts got together and made things specifically for my partner. Box after box of his favourites. A way of saying we miss you and are thinking of you.

    I knew one of the ladies at his dining room tale was having a tough time this year. I bought her a bottle of perfume her husband used to buy for her just to remind her of better days. She was laughing at the table with us, sticking our her green festive tongue from those little meringue Christmas trees.
It was awesome.

     Now if you're thinking that was the unexpected gift, you'd be wrong. I can always depend on my family for fellowship and good times. The last few years have been tough being away from it as much as I have been.

     It came with the new year. It marked the 41st month. He beat the odds. Every day, from that day forward, is an unexpected gift.

      I didn't make any resolutions. I don't expect 2016 will be particularly kind to us. I will graciously accept that gift and hold tight to it what ever may come.

     May 2016 bring you the best of everything, unexpected or not.

A letter to a friend

Dear Jen,

     I hope this letter finds you and yours well, It's been quite a while since we had any contact with each other. I had a chance to catch up with you via your writing this evening. As much as I wish you were not struggling with the situation you are in, I was so relieved to read your words. It feels so good not to be alone. I can empathize with almost every line.

     When this started, I naively thought I knew how tough this would be. I thought because we cared for each other, we could get through anything. Time has proven just how wrong I was.

     I've always thought of myself as being fairly strong in mind, body and spirit. I was not ready for how thoroughly that would be tested.

    The person who was my confidante and best friend has been replaced by someone I hardly recognize some days. Depression, anxiety, medication and illness have taken my "devil may care" partner in crime and replaced him with this yawning abyss of need. There is no room for me there and I grieve for the loss.

     It's hard to put into words. How do you describe what's going on inside when everything around you feels like chaos?  Where do you start? Do you want to take the lid off that particular box? How do you make other people understand? Do you even understand yourself?

    Watching someone leave you by inches, your heart breaks over and over and over. Going from being angry he's late because of an extra hour at the gym, to praising him for being able to support his own weight for a few seconds is soul crushing. But you smile and nod and make all the appropriate noises, " That's great. Do you want to try one more time?", because that's what they need. Tears are for later. Sadness is for later. Taking care of you is for later.

     It's lonely here.

     Well meaning friends and family offer support and advice. Tell you how important it is to look after yourself as well.The demands of care make it hard to maintain any kind of outside contact. Plans  get changed, rescheduled, cancelled. Your world slowly shrinks into the next doctor, the next appointment, the next agency to contact, the next visit. Conversations start and end about care and illness, how they're doing, how your holding up. Things start to feel a bit one dimensional. But you smile and nod and make the appropriate noises, " We're holding up, things are fine", because that's what they need to hear.

     But things aren't fine, I know.

     Wanting to take just a  few minutes. To lay this down, catch your breath and regroup. But there's never time. Everything should have been done yesterday. The clock feels a bit like an enemy, counting down the hours.

     It's hard not to envy other couples.There are times I can't be around it. The comfort they take in each other, the inside jokes, their closeness. The physical expression of caring for someone.  The desire to have that for myself can be overwhelming. I miss him, I miss us. I was completely unprepared for the hit my self esteem took when the look of desire in my other half's eyes was replaced with need. It's difficult feeling alone while still being part of a couple. It's hard not to feel bitter, cheated.

     Guilt and worry become constant companions.. Questioning decisions. Trying so hard to get things "right", Never feeling like you've succeeded. Beating yourself up for not being the ideal caregiver, housekeeper, breadwinner and spouse all rolled into one. Feeling bad for getting frustrated, thinking you should be better at coping. It's exhausting, demoralizing.

     There are never enough hours in the day. I passed exhausted two years ago. I have no idea what fuels me these days. People feel obliged to comment on how exhausted, haggard, old or worn out I look. It warms my heart to know they care,

    So there it is. This is not the life I had planned. I'm picking up my marbles and going home.

     That's not really an option though, is it?

     We care. As thankless as it can be by times, we care. So, we do what we can and agonize over what we can't. People looking in must think we're insane.

     I had someone ask me if I wished I had never met my partner given how things had turned out.  I replied, "The last three years haven't been the most fun but the fourteen before that I was loved, adored even. That's more than some people ever experience in their lifetime. How can I regret that?". I'm pretty sure your answer would have been similar.

     And that's my answer. I pray for the strength to make it though another day. I try and focus on how happy I am we were in each other's lives rather than feel cheated we won't have all the time I hoped for. Try and remember the fun we had rather than be overwhelmed with his need now. Be happy with this rather one dimensional life because home is where he is, not the building I live in.  I want our life together to continue in what ever form that takes. This isn't just about him needing me, I still need him too. And every once and a while, he's there again. He'll smile or laugh. We'll share a  moment or an hour, sometimes a whole day. That gives me strength.

     Even though he would bite off his own tongue before saying "thank you", I'm here because I choose to be. Not because it's my duty, or my responsibility but because I can't imagine being anywhere else.

     Our story will end. It's important to me to know for myself that I did everything I could for him. A lot of people don't understand that. It's not about thank yous or acknowledgement, I need to know I tried my best. That has to be enough. I think the only think I would regret when everything is said and done is not having tried.

     We haven't been given an easy road to travel. Often it feels like the choices we have are bad or equally bad. That just sucks.  I think it's valid to have days where life just sucks. I don't feel the need to put too much of a face on things. Denying things are not great, faking it 'til you make it, doesn't work well for me. I find it too much effort. I need days to be mopey, or quiet or weepy to try and process everything that is happening. I'm not great at sparing other people a bit of awkwardness or feeling guilty because they don't know how to comfort me. I'm not asking them to. I'm not going to pretend everything is roses and sunshine when it isn't. Try me again tomorrow.

     We are in different circumstances. We will make different choices. The route we travel will not be the same. We share a commitment to the people we love. Ultimately, we have to trust ourselves that we will do the best we can for them. That's easier said than done.

     I can't offer advice. I can't offer much of anything other than understanding. Hopefully you will find some comfort and strength in my words as I did in yours.

Sincerely,

Paul     

   

Failure?

     It seems like a life time ago my other half was diagnosed with ALS. At the time, I was fully prepared to blog my way through our journey. Documenting how we surmounted every obstacle, united, together until the end. I wanted to be open and honest, much like Jennifer talking very frankly abut her husband. Then reality came crashing in, the posting stopped, our voice fell silent.

     There are a few reasons why.

     The most obvious is time. Being a caregiver is time consuming. Strangely enough, I'd be lying if I said this was the main reason. 

     The next would be being overwhelmed. True, but again not the main reason.

     If I'm honest, and I will try to be because I think this is important, the main reason I stopped was a complete and total sense of having failed.

     He's still dying. I couldn't keep him at home. We didn't beat this thing. We didn't manage to climb Everest despite the challenges.

     The Internet is littered with these great, inspirational stories of triumph against the odds and I wanted ours to be one of them.They're are great stories and I wish everyone who is one of them only the best. 

     The problem is, they only represent one side of things. The reality for many of us is very different. We don't talk about that. There is a very real sense of somehow failing in our duty as caregivers if our stories aren't motivational enough, that we have to justify or qualify why.

     For most of the last three years, I've lived with that vague feeling of shame. For not living up to the standard of what the world wants to hear. And for many, it is what they want to hear.

     People don't want to know it's a physical, emotional and financial train wreck. They don't want to hear you're struggling. It seems like everybody assumes there is a quick fix and if not that then at least have the decency to stay quiet. Because they are your problems, you figure it out. There's an app for that, isn't there?

     Let's face it, no matter what the topic, we're inundated with how we should be. Be the best Mom, the best employee, best husband, have the best body, be the best friend. If only you do this you will succeed. Live the fairy tale.

     And it is a fairy tale. Life is messy. There is no one size fits all solution to any problem. I'd say this is especially true if you're a caregiver. Whether you're a SAHM, caring for an elderly parent, or a terminally ill loved one, it seems like there is always someone ready and willing to tell you how got it wrong.

     It's demoralizing and I'm calling bullshit. The only way to fail is not to try.

     For us, it was a lose - lose situation right from the get go; a progressive, degenerative, terminal diagnosis, no treatment options. There is no winning in this scenario. There is no award for best death.

   Our only option was to do the best we could, and we did and continue to do so. If that's not success, I don't know what is.

Indestructible

     That week went by quickly. Time to link up with Rorybore again for Coffee Chat. Thankfully I re-read the prompt before I got too far along on the whole "Purge" idea. Immortal not immoral, got it.

     I'm taking this as being indestructible for a day. Immortal = can't die. Here's what I'd do.

Or maybe

Of course there is always this too.

   
      I'm terrified of heights. Maybe not so much the height as the abrupt stop at the end if/when you fall. Honestly, I can barely watch the videos but I still think it would be amazing to try.

     What would you do?

My Precious

     Coffee Chat with Rory, oh how I have missed you. Truth be told I have missed most of the blogsphere for a long time. Life has been ... complicated .... for a number of reasons. Most days I'm lucky to collect my thoughts and that works our perfectly for today. We're talking collections, things that are our "precious".

    If you've glanced over my sadly neglected blog, you can probably guess what I collect. No it's not dust, empty beer bottles or cooking utensils although I do have those in spades round here. It's not books, or music, again I have plenty of both. So what has me in hunched in the corner, hands clutched to my chest, crooning, "My Precious" as I absently caress the object of my desire? (that sounds way creepier than I meant it to) Give up???

     I collect stories.The stories of my family in whatever form they may take.

     I have thousands of pictures, letters and cards. All digitized. An un-scanned photo album makes my heart beat faster.

     I have hundreds of records: births, deaths, census data, military records, baptisms, report cards, newspaper articles and books of family chronicles.

     My favourite is probably the recipes, some handed down for generations.

     I also collect things in my garden. To the best of my knowledge I'm the only one who still has the little Scarlet Emperor dahlias my grandmother always grew.  I grow marigolds and morning glories for my other grandmother. Half of what I grow reminds me of some one. 

     And sometimes all it takes is a kiss. My great aunt Shirley was always a little on the dramatic side.

     The things I could tell you!

     Don't forget tp drop on by Rory's to see what everyone else collects. What's your "precious"?

Pissing in the Ice Bucket

     This could also be called, "Why do people have to make it so hard to do good."

     Like so many others of us, my Facebook feed has been inundated with the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. An initiative to raise money and awareness surrounding the neuromuscular disease. It has succeeded beyond anyone's wildest hopes.

     This cause is near and dear to me, the person I live with was diagnosed with the ALS almost 2 years ago. I've watched him go from gym rat to being barely able to cross a room in a walker. It is a devastating disease. The median survival rate is 39 months, only 20% survive 5 years. To add insult to injury, his is probably familial. He lost his mother to ALS so knows what is in store for him before the end.

     And what is in store. Losing the ability to walk, talk, swallow or breathe on your own. Unable to care for yourself. Dependent on someone else. Locked inside a failing body.

     With almost no treatment options, maybe you can imagine how excited and grateful I was to see the outpouring of support flooding across social media. I'm not sure people can understand how truly thankful I am to everyone who took the time to accept the challenge, pass it forward and donate.

     The ALS Society has been a God sent. They provide equipment and support to thousands of people living with the disease and their caregivers. We couldn't afford to buy all the equipment they have provided to keep him as functional and comfortable as possible. The caseworkers have helped navigating the medical and social assistance worlds that can be confusing and overwhelming.

     Despite all the good, there just have to be "those" people.

     To all the people bitching about wasting water I really don't have any words so here is a picture.

     Yes, I understand potable water is a problem. Myself, I try not to waste water in my day to day life. I don't, and I bet if you talked to any ALS sufferer or their caregivers, consider one drop used in this campaign to be wasted. If it makes you feel any better, dumping my bucket of water was the closest I got to a shower that day and probably the day after. I'm pretty sure my fellow caregivers have missed enough showers to cover all the challengers and then some.

     Pamela Anderson came out very publicly criticizing the organization for animal cruelty in their research. I understand and even support her stance. If PETA's stats are even remotely correct with a 92% fail rate in testing from animals moved to human trials, there has to be a better way. But, the cause is not the organization. The organisation in question doesn't just use the money for research. Finally, you can earmark what your donation is used for with in either the ALS Society or the ALS Organisation. If none of that assuages your conscience, donate to an organization like Lotsa Helping Hands. They provide support to care givers of all types, ALS being one.

     In short, you can support the cause and stay true to your own moral compass. We, ALS suffers and their loved ones, don't have time for the medical profession to change it's ways, we need help in the here and now. Had she accepted the challenge she could have helped raise awareness of ALS and her cause by explaining the how and why she donated the way she did. Win, win, win. Instead, well ... am I alone in thinking smug, self righteous bitch? Even though I know that's not fair. She has done tons of charity work.

      Jim Riggs came out against the challenge based on religious reasons. God doesn't want us doing embryonic stem cell research. Again, I can understand your objections based on your beliefs but I must have missed that " turn a blind eye to suffering unless they believe exactly as you do," day in Sunday school. This is not the kind of Christian charity I was raised on. Jim, same advise for you as for Pamela. If you want to help, there is always a way that doesn't compromise who you are or what you believe in.

     If for some reason the point of this campaign still eludes you, let me spell it out. H.O.P.E. It's been over 70 years since Lou Gehrig died of this disease that bears his name in the public's memory. Were he alive today, his treatment options wouldn't be significantly different than they were then. Let us hope. Stop pissing in the Ice Bucket.    

Hoppy Easter

Hope everyone is enjoying a Hoppy Easter Monday

Pinterest

Nailed it

2 hours of my life I'll never get back

Damn you Pinterest

Serious Business

     So we're supposed to prank the lovely RoryBore this April Fools' day but......

Tickets go on sale this morning at 11:00 am. And not just any FanExpo, this is the 20th anniversary and what a guest line up. My little Fan Boy heart is pounding.

Bruce Campbell - Ash

Nathan Fillion - Captain Tight Pants aka Malcolm Reynolds

David Morrisey - The Governor

Danai Gurira - Meeshon

And if that wasn't enough

Carrie Fisher

Jeremy Renner

And yes Rory, your fave boy wizard is slated to make an appearance. I know, Daniel freakin' Radcliffe.

I'll be rollin' with the rest of the Nerd Herd all Labour Day weekend. No time for pranks, this is serious business.

You in Rory?

Did I get you?

Movin' along

Monday morning, again.
Snooze.
Snooze.
Snoo.....  Holy crap, look what time it is.
Teeth brushed.
Pants on.
Car keys? Car keys? Car keys.
Radio.

Maybe Monday isn't so bad after all.

Whats got you moving this morning?

I’m the Conductor on this Musical trip.  Co-conductors are my buds Callie of JAmerican Spice, Stacy of Stacy Uncorked, Cathy of  Curious as a Cathy, Naila Moon of Just the Stuff You Know and Honorary co-conductor this for the next few weeks is going to be Danielle of Royalegacy.   NOW LET’S ROCK THIS PLACE & get this TRAIN rollin’!

I am a caregiver

     As I was catching up on my reading, I came across this post from Jennifer over at Dancing in the Rain. Jennifer is awesome in all kinds of ways but her posts on dealing with her husband's illness always speak loudest to me.

     I started to comment but as it grew to novel proportions, I decided a post was in order. After starting the post, realized one wouldn't cut it, so this will be the start of a few articles. Following up on a promise I made about posting how my other half and I are coping.

     It seems like a lifetime ago that my partner was diagnosed with ALS, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. It's a terminal, degenerative neuromuscular disease. About the time he was diagnosed, a friend of mine found out he had early onset Parkinson's. Between the two, I've had lots of exposure to life changing illness lately.

     Jennifer, my friend's wife and I all share one thing. We are caregivers. As I am finding out, kind of unsung heroes. People expect us to be in this role and that we'll somehow make everything work. Don't get me wrong, none of us would be anywhere else but there isn't a lot of support out there if you're taking care of your significant other. It's taken as a given.

     I'm lucky.
   
     The ALS Society has incredible resources that have been put at our disposal: equipment, PSW's, occupational and physiotherapists, a nurse practitioner. The ALS clinic has been wonderful as well; a battery of doctors have been there to help as much as possible. In talking with my friend, I know he hasn't received the same level of help. I'm enormously grateful for the combined efforts these people have made and continue to make on our behalf.

     Unfortunately the emphasis is on his physical state. There was a suggestion of counselling, but it isn't a required part of treatment and as such has limited coverage with our health plan. He refused it anyway so a bit of a moot point.There is also no coordination of treatment. The specialists treat the ALS, a GP for general health, a massage therapist, a physiotherapist, a neuropsychologist ... The list goes on. He is treated as his disease, bit by bit, not as a whole person.

     As it turns out, there is a very simple reason for this, liability. No one wants to be sued. Every decision is made by the patient. In fairness, everyone has been quite frank about it. The specialists only treat the symptoms of the disease, the GP flat out said he knew nothing about ALS, that was for the specialists. Honest but no less frustrating.

     For me, very important to keep a positive attitude around him. Important to keep him in a positive state of mind. It's "crucial" to his well being. Not a suggestion in the world as to how that was going to happen. I'm not a patient so don't require treatment, he isn't required to do anything to support his mental health. Except take these pills, and if they don't work we can add these ones and we can increase the dosage. More frustration.

     My health plan will cover 5 therapy sessions. Searching online, I found a support group that meets for caregivers of seniors with ALS, once a month, 2 hours away. I did find an online group that has been very supportive, especially in the early days. I also have an incredibly strong group of family, friends and co workers. I'm lucky.

     Being one of the lucky ones doesn't make me feel any less alone in this sometimes. Then I stumble across something like what Jennifer wrote and know some one out there knows exactly how I feel. That this thing we share hasn't got the best of us. It eases the bad days and the good ones are that much sweeter.

     I am a caregiver.

   

How do you...?

     I'm on a roll, two posts in a week after months of hibernation. Maybe it's that balmy -20 degree spring weather we've been having. Maybe not? Anyway, time to chat, Coffee Chat with RoryBore.


    The prompt this week, What is the one question you would ask everyone you meet?

     That's an easy one. I'm a curious fellow. I'm constantly asking people, "How do you .....?
Rory has been barraged with questions about blogging, template design, finding the time to write. My uncles, cousins and father are my go to mechanics and home repair gurus. Mom, my grandmothers and anyone else who cooks have been hounded for recipes and techniques. I have a living, breathing search engine at my disposal. Who needs Google?

     There it is, short and sweet. What's your question?

I knew ...

     It's been a long time since I last sat down at the keyboard to write for pleasure. I still read along when time permits. Lately I've been missing it more than usual. I looked at my last post, a different Listicle, and I just knew I did not want my final post to be about Miley and Robin. Funny how that works.

    Following Robin's prompt, nine more things I just knew.

1 There have been a few times I just knew it was time to go home. Work/school in the morning, but I was having so much fun, consequences be damned. Who needs sleep anyway?

2 When our eyes met, I knew it was all kinds of wrong but I just couldn't deny that spark. You all know what I mean.

3 When I moved to the city for school, I knew I would never go back home to live on my parents farm. It was time to make my own home.

4 There have been a few times I just knew things were broken beyond repair. Something I had done or had done to me that altered a relationship beyond saving.

5 Many times I just knew it was the wrong thing to say at exactly the wrong time. I have a horrible case of foot in mouth disease. I've perfected the art of the apology and learned to just stay quiet.

6 I knew it was time to end a poisonous friendship. Although we had hung out for years, I could only be the whipping boy for so long.

7 I knew it was the right time to do something for myself when I sold the house in Toronto and moved to the suburbs.

8 Dancing at a friend's wedding, I knew it was our last dance together. It took all night but I'm glad I was so persistent. The memory of dancing under a Tuscan moon with you was worth the effort.

9 In the 10 seconds it took for this to happen, I knew I was going to die.

I have no idea how the transport behind missed me but I've never been so grateful to be wrong.

     What did you " just know"?

Really?

     Another Monday, another list. This week the topic is, 10 things I shouldn't know ( but do). Hmmm, which 10 things. Let's face it, we all know things or have seen things we wish we hadn't. There are the 10 things you found out about your house while trying to do a renovation. Any health related knowledge you're forced to be informed about.  Those special TMI moments, the video your friend sent you the link too. Any thing that makes you shake your head and go, "Really?" How does the species survive?

     With so many things to choose from it was hard to narrow the list. I chose the latest tempest in a teapot that has been burning up the media. As much as I'm loathe to waste more time on this.....

10 things I wish I didn't know

1 Who Miley Cyrus is.
Although a case could be made for her having a modicum of talent, I liked Party in the USA, the song she did with Timbaland, We belong to the Music, and the new single but.... Enough.

2 Who Robin Thicke is.
For the record I'm not a fan, at all. His voice is like glass in my ears.

3 What the lowest common denominator is in entertainment.
The performance of the two above at the MVMA's, laughable. I didn't find it shocking, just tasteless in that "I'm embarrassed for you" kind of way.

4 What "twerking" is.
I knew this already, it's been around over 20 years so I didn't need the ridiculous amount of coverage it's been getting lately.

5 How inflammatory the media can be.
Already knew this one too but the firestorm of attention this got... Okay, it did provide a few laugh out loud moments reading some of the stories. I guess it was a slow news week, I mean the situation in Syria, who cares?

6 How quick people are to judge.
This surprised me, the public outrage. Yes, I agree it was tasteless but these two responsible for the moral degradation of society? That's giving them way too much credit. Let's face it, they're entertainers. If we don't watch, buy etc. they're out of a job. Don't like it, don't support it.

7 How off the mark people are in their criticism.
This surprised me too. I understand if you're a fan of one of the two attacking them to show your displeasure. But, they're entertainers. The job they had was to create a buzz about the show, which they did in spades. If you are truly outraged, write the show they were on. It was a rehearsed performance. Or better yet, write the sponsors of the show telling them you won't buy their products if they continue to support what you don't like. If you want to see change, make change, don't shoot the messenger.

8 How quickly people will cash in.
A twerk-out? Really? I guess anything that gets people off the couch.......

9 What people will do for attention.
I guess this shouldn't have surprised me but ... making history? Oh Miley, you poor deluded thing. I get that you're not  a Disney princess anymore. I get that you want to break away from that image. I think it is unfortunate you felt this was the way you had to do it.  I suspect there is as little in common with that woman on the stage to you as the character Hannah Montana was. If it is the "real" you, by all means let your freak flag fly. I don't care. You may want to look into the "Girls Gone Wild" franchise. It's been done.
As has taking an idea not you own and making it popular, Madonna already did that with "Vogue".

10 See all of the above.
Did we learn nothing from Paris, the assorted Kardashians, the Real Housewives of everywhere. I truly had to laugh about people writing what bad examples these two were to youth. If you're setting your moral compass to anyone's star but your own, well, I've got nothing. It's all smoke and mirrors, make believe. How they look, act, dress, complete fiction. Set your feet on the ground because only sailors look to the stars for guidance.

     Don't forget to drop by Stasha's to see everything we wish we didn't know.

Chasing Summer

     I stuck my head up and it's September already? This summer has flown by. It's been a bit bitter sweet this year. But not quite done yet. I'll be enjoying it right to the end, the 22nd of September.

    So what has been happening? Well I'm glad you asked because the topic for Listicles this week is 10 memories of summer. I'm linking up with Stasha, okay a few days late but.....

10 memories of this summer

1 Working on the house.

Going from this,

to this

2 Gardening in the new place

From this

To this

3 The trip home for my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary

the happy couple

4 The trip home for my grandparents 70th wedding anniversary

70 years and still going

5 Celebrating a friend's 50th. We've know each other over 30 years. Even though we don't see each other often, she is the kind of friend, when we do it's like no time has passed. We pick up right where we left off.

Everyone should have at least one friend like this

6 A promotion at work

7 Partying with my cousin aka Rorybore for four insane days at Fan Expo. Although I love SAHM Rory,

it was so much fun to hang out with Fangirl Rory. She's like a force of nature. LOL

Oh yes we did!

The link to the whole picture gallery

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151783171857874.1073741827.669262873&type=1&l=c67d879109

8 This is the bitter part. The progression of ALS has my other half in a wheelchair now. It's hard not to wonder if this is our last summer out and about. BUT I've decided to not dwell on what I can't change and to try and make the most of whatever time we have. For the most part it works. Sometimes with hilarious results. Be sure to ask Rory about the wheelchair debacle. LOL

To that end

9 A surprise 65th birthday party for my mother this weekend.

10 And it really will be a surprise because 3 days later we leave for...

That's right, a freakin' castle

In Tuscany

For a good friend's wedding

And if that weren't enough

Tickets for "La Traviata"

The 160th anniversary of it's debut

at

Il Teatro La Fenice

in FREAKIN' Venice

And just because the awesome couldn't stop there, four days touring Rome, then back to Toronto on the 22nd, just in time to say hello to Fall. I'm squeezing every last drop out of summer this year.

Drop by Stasha's and see what memories made everyone's list this summer.

Summertime

     Happy Monday and Happy Canada Day.  Was at a BBQ last night, getting ready to go to another this afternoon, who doesn't love a long weekend? Time to make a quick list and link up with Stasha, the hostess with the most-ess. This week, 10 things Summer.

1 Heat. After a cold Canadian winter nothing compares to being outside without a thousand layers of clothing. (or outside at all)

2 BBQs A summer staple, everything tastes better charred on the grill.

3 Green The taste of fresh asparagus, the smell of cut grass, the sound of leaves rustling in the trees and the sights of nature in all of it's glory.

4 Thunderstorms No explanation necessary.

5 Water, as opposed to ice, snow, sleet, slush. Poolside, lakeside, riparian or just the murmur of a backyard fountain.

6 Bonfires and bush parties

7 Fireworks

8 Farmer's markets

9 Pitchers Filled with beer, sangria, iced tea or lemonade. With a trickle of condensation running down the side.

10 Enjoying the great outdoors. Biking, hiking, riding or lazing the afternoon away in a hammock. It's just good to be outside.

     What says summer to you? Time for cake.

photo credit

Bring on the Summer

     I love summer time. BBQ, bonfires and beer. Getting together over good food at the cottage, by the pool or just on a sunny deck is the best way to spend the lazy summer days. Key word Lazy.

     Just because it's easy doesn't mean you have to look like a slacker. This recipe comes together in only 10 minutes, is really forgiving and is at home at your finest soiree or the most casual back yard barbecue. Sounds to good to be true? Read on.

     What I'm talking about is the Italian dessert Panna Cotta, translation "cooked cream". Five ingredients, 10 minutes and you look like a star. Bonus, you get to throw around fancy Italian dessert names.

     I like mine potted (still in a container) and just set. A spoonful is like silk across the tongue. I've tried a few different recipes but this is the one I like the best, a very slightly modified version of Judy Witts recipe from Secrets of My Tuscan Kitchen. My version isn't solid enough to unmold.

Click on the picture to enlarge

I'm trying something new with the format

Not sure it's a keeper

     This recipe makes a lot, bonus, is easy, huge bonus, can be served plain, can be endlessly modified, is gluten free, can be dairy free or vegan and is quite forgiving.

     Here are my prep notes. 

Prepare 5 -8 custard cups - Take them out of the cupboard. I don't plate mine so no need to oil the cups.

By the time the cream is heated the gelatin has usually plumped up. If not don't worry. You've got a good window of time to work. Because you aren't setting the cream with eggs like a custard, precise timing isn't a concern. As long as the cream is hot enough to dissolve the gelatin you're good.

 I plump up the gelatin in a large Pyrex 8 cup measuring cup. It's easy to pour into the ramekins after you add the heated cream mixture and I'm all about easy.

The 35% cream is rich. Because you are setting with gelatin you can use just about any liquid, table cream-18%, half and half - 10%, soy milk, almond milk. You may need to tweek the exact amount of gelatin to set it the way you like. I would go with more to start, then reduce it a 1/4 teaspoon at a time. My four teaspoons to four cups of liquid is a really soft set. The original recipe calls for 4 1/2 teaspoons.

Because you aren't baking, the sugar is only a flavour. You can substitute, increase, decrease, omit. What ever tickles your taste buds.

For the vegetarians swap agar ( agar-agar) for the gelatin.

The one above is topped with Strawberry Rhubarb Compote. Another easy recipe.

1 1/2 cups chopped rhubarb

1 1/2 cups chopped strawberries

1/4 cup of sugar- adjust to taste

1 tablespoon of lemon juice

Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring to prevent scorching.

Reduce heat and simmer until you reach your desired thickness

Done

Top yours with whatever you like or just enjoy it plain. 

Here is a link to a great site for more information on variations and another recipe.

     An easy dessert so you can get out and enjoy the summer sun. Any other quick and easy favourites? Feel free to share.

     Enjoy.

Picture Perfect?

     Happy Monday, the first official one of summer, my favourite time of year. Time to link up with Stasha. Our topic this week, top 10 photographs you've taken.

     I love taking pictures. I have a huge family and I drag my camera to all the gatherings. I also suck at taking pictures. Missing heads, disembodied limbs, out of focus then there is this

Typically blurry photo at my grandmother's 85th

For the record, my aunt has a beautiful smile with all her teeth

Nor does she look like a cast member of the Walking Dead

WTH?

     I don't really have 10 best photos, so I'm going on a little tangent. I promise it's photo related. It's what I was doing this morning.

     I'm in the middle of planning a trip to Italy for my friend's wedding, trying to post a little more so people know I'm alive, working on the house, cooking so of course there are pictures to document the progress or the lack there of. I haven't done a recipe post in months and I wanted to share one of the best summer recipes ever. Bring on the camera.

I envisioned something like this

Looks tasty right?

Maybe something like this?

I'd have been happy with this

Great Halloween dessert option right?

     Taking pictures of food is hard. I'm always in awe of people who post drool inspiring picture after picture of their culinary exploits.

     I assembled my props and headed outside to snap some pictures. Natural light is best so they say and it finally has stopped with  the thunder and lightening.

Unusual plate for visual interest

A little elevation ( I can crop that)

At eye level like you see food at a table

Maybe an over head view?

Ditch the ugly plate

Excellent reflection of me in the spoon

Maybe a location change?

To hell with it, I'll take a picture of the fountain instead

Almost got the whole thing, sigh

Maybe the primroses Mom gave me. 

      It's 30 degrees, my subject is melting, I'm going inside to eat. There is only so much I'm willing to suffer for my art. That does not include ruining a perfectly good dessert. After some cropping and trying to fix the exposure I ended up with this.

Not too shabby, right?

Just a touch of the Etruscan terracotta detailing behind

Simple, a little rustic

Which after several hours I turned into this.

I'll do the real recipe post tomorrow

This one has already gotten a little long

     One picture, six hours. I don't have time for 10. LOL

Come join me at Stasha's to see what everyone else has been snapping.